Dear Helen, Hazel, and Dode,
I’ve been putting off writing you for months now. I really don’t have a clear reason why. I’m a bit ashamed I suppose, anxious, confused, and scared at times. My life has changed beyond recognition from the woman I was year ago. A year ago, I was living in a beautiful downtown apartment with my cat in Chicago. I was a top performing Sales Rep and celebrating a promotion. I had created a life for myself that I thought I had wanted since I graduated High School. I had made it in a way. I should have been happy, but the reality that I was living was far from that. I was a deep kind of miserable that no anti-depressant or recreational drug in the world could cure….and believe me I tried. There was no amount of work promotions, money or substances that could dull the sense that I wasn’t living the life that I was meant to. I knew I had to make a drastic change quickly in order to save what was left of my authentic self.
So, in true me fashion, I decided “Fuck it! I’m out!” I quit my job, canceled the lease on my apartment, packed up the cat, and got the fuck out of there. I moved back to my hometown and got a job serving tables. I now live in a travel trailer, and I somehow feel more authentic and like myself than I have felt in years. Now don’t get me wrong moving home, living in a travel trailer while quickly approaching my mid-thirties isn’t necessarily the ideal, but for the first time in a long time I can breathe. I have freedom to go and do what I want when I want, and this unique opportunity isn’t lost on me.
There was a time when I first parked my Coleman travel trailer on my parent’s property that all I could think was “Whoopsie poopsie! What in the actual fuck did I do?” As time has passed though, the impenetrable fog that once consumed me has started to lift and I am starting to get glimpses of the adventurous, vivacious, confident woman that I use to be. I thought I lost her in the deep depths of my depression and trauma. I am starting to understand that she wasn’t lost forever. She was just in so much pain that she needed time to start to heal before she could be found again.
My priorities have changed significantly in the last year. I am no longer obsessed with how much money and status I’m accumulating. Now I just want to live fully. I want to experience life with that childlike wonder that I was scared I lost years ago. I want to have adventures, fall in love, and obviously get in a little trouble along the way. I want to give myself the space to feel my emotions good or bad and then carry on with this beautifully chaotic experience we call life.
Although I am excited for what the future holds, I am also absolutely scared shitless that I will crash and burn and come out on the other side of this broke, unemployed, and living with my parents…. which I am sure would be a great opener while on a first date because I am also so single. I am choosing to just buckle up and send it full throttle despite the risk involved because I cannot go back to how I was living. I know for sure I won’t make it if I must conform again to societal expectations.
I love all three of you very much and I will keep you updated on my exploits. Take care and I know you will be with me always through all the hardship, pain, joy, laughter, and adventures.
Love Always,
J